The six month itch

At what point do we admit to ourselves that we’re now settled? At what point are we then happy about it?

This is something I find myself wondering on a regular basis… about other people. I can settle relatively quickly; the issue is that I also get bored just as quickly. During university I could only stay there for so long before I needed a change and went home and in the holidays spent at home I’d long to go back again. I’ve officially been back in my home country, in my childhood home for six months now and no sense of settling has occurred in any sense of the word. I have no more desire to actually find a stable job and settle into it than I did six months ago. I would love to own a house but find the thought of having to actually stay in the same place for a prolonged period of time crushing and restrictive.

So what is my problem? Why don’t I fit? I look around at happily settled friends; many of them younger than me; buying homes, getting engaged and buying dogs. People who are more than happy to plan for the future, live in the same area and have occasional holidays. A small part of me would want that if the bigger part of me wasn’t so afraid of it. Because all of those things mean you are Rooted. Such a big deal to me that it requires a capital letter. If I had a permanent job/my own place to live/a living animal to look after I couldn’t just take off and travel. If I found myself Rooted I wouldn’t be able to use that Canadian working holiday visa it took me months to get.

And yet, whilst having the visa I haven’t actually made plans yet to even go to Canada. I can’t even commit to that – I am a full commitment-phobe. My lack of commitment is driving me mad. Surely I can’t be alone in this? Wanting everything and nothing all at once. Wanting to make the parents proud by having a job but also wanting to see more of the world.

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My brain when I try and make these decisions

I’ve been using the phrase: ‘Oh I just got back from travelling’ as a way to justify being back at home etc but in actual fact, I have not just got back from travelling. I’ll be getting to that tipping point soon where I’ve been home for longer than I was away. But I feel like I’m living in limbo, waiting for something but I don’t know what it is.

Maybe I am just behind and one day something will make enough sense for me to stick it. For now, I’m just going to try and embrace the uncertainty and stop telling people that I recently went travelling. Step 1 in admitting it to yourself.

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Don’t care how, I want it now

The thought occurs that I could, in fact, be Verruca Salt, the excessively spoilt girl in Roald Dahl’s 1964 novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I want the world. I want the whole world. Not in a squirrels and chocolates sort of way but in a literal ‘I actually do want the world’ sort of way. I want to go everywhere and see everything and not be tied down. I also want a career and a house that would be somewhere to call my own.

Possible? Eventually (I hope). Probable? No. Especially as I want these things now and at the same time.

So which way is it going? I’ve so far made it sound like both options are readily available to me and I can just choose one and that’s the end of it. Not so. I’m living at home, looking for a job whilst waiting to see if I get invited to apply for a Canadian working holiday visa. It’s two months since I started the quest for both and as of yet, neither have presented themselves.

The longer it goes on the more time I have to overthink my options. I change my mind about what I think I want roughly every ten minutes. In all honesty if I had my own way I would be on a plane to somewhere far away where it doesn’t rain and I can feel the freedom of travelling wherever I decide to go. I have a couple of things keeping me at home for the next few months so focusing on a career would be a good option. It would be a great option if I knew what that career should be. So in the meantime I’m searching. For whichever answer comes first.

It’s a typical case of indecisiveness and I’m hoping the answer will present itself in good time. But while I wait, if I could just have a squirrel. And a boat. And a golden ticket. NOW